My Real Life Story

November 2010

 I have had some very strong feelings lately that I need to tell my story. I am at a turning point in my blog where I need to decide if it is about me, all of me or about my awesome  home decorating skills alone. I have decided that what you read here at Vintage Revivals is me 100% love it or leave it. This will be a story that’s broken into parts. Its very emotional for me to share and it takes a lot of time to write it the way people can understand.
I am not writing this so that anyone feels bad for me. 
I am not writing this so that people can criticize my family or my choices.
I am writing my story for the people who are secretly or not so secretly suffering,   with someone else’s addiction or their own.
I pray that my story will give hope a chance to grow in your heart. Recovery (notice I said Recovery and not Recovered) is a miracle. I will get religious on you,  if you aren’t comfortable with that, I am sorry. The miracle of the Atonement is why my life has changed. If you know me or my husband personally I hope that knowing our struggles will make you love us more. But if not that’s OK too. 

I believe that EVERY.SINGLE. one of us have a story to tell. Its at times a devastatingly sad story. Other times is wonderful,  full of hope and light. I hope you will share yours with someone. Its in sharing that we find healing. Here’s ours.

“This is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance and this is my joy.
“And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me”
Alma 29:9-10
(Book of Mormon)

My husband Courtney is the kindest person. He is so charismatic, people are just drawn to him. He is HILARIOUS and an all around wonderful person. When addiction takes a hold of someones life, they change. They become withdrawn and depressed. They are angry and deceitful. Addicts are manipulative and selfish. My husband acting on his own accord is none of those things. I just wanted to make that crystal clear….moving on.

Courtney and I were both raised as Latter Day Saints (Mormon)  He stopped going to church when he was 16. I stopped when I moved to college. Neither one of us were active at this time in our lives. I just want to clear that up too because the things that went on obviously are not supported by the LDS church.

It all began one November day in 2001. I was working in the mall selling fake hair (LOL I know right?)  This super cute lady came up and I was talking to her about well….fake hair. She said to me “You are so cute! You should meet my son.” Of course what new college student would pass that opportunity up? I told her to send him in. Well, he never came. This could be the end of our story but luckily its not. I saw her a week or so later and asked “What the french lady! He never came in!” She told me that he had, but I was talking to another guy and he didn’t want to interrupt. My bad. She called him right then and there. Next thing I knew he was on his way over. Let me just say that its a good thing I had access to fake hair, cause I totally did not get ready that day.
I can still vividly remember him walking around the corner of my cart. He had on a green shirt and totally longish flowy hair. No joke, his hair was awesome. He was so HOT! The second that I saw him, it was like I recognized him. I knew I was going to marry him, cross my heart.

 

About 3 months into our relationship Courtney came to me and told me that he was an addict. His parents told him that he needed to come clean with me or they would. I am, at this point in my life completely naive to EVERYTHING like this. I to this day have never smoked or done any type of drug. I didn’t even know what alcohol smelled like. So Court comes to me and says that he is addicted to Loratab. And right then and there I decided I was going to save him. I was going to love him so much that he wouldn’t be able to use any more. I was going to be the reason why he changed. If you have ever dealt with an addict you are familiar with these feelings.
It took me years to learn that I didn’t cause his addiction,  I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t stop it. But I am getting ahead of myself.
6 months after finding this out we were engaged. Though my parents were not very thrilled about the prospect of their daughter marrying into this situation they were more supportive than I gave them credit for. We decided that we were going to be married in Nov. Courtney started going to an outpatient treatment program called Reach. By this time he was no longer snorting Loratab, he had begun injecting Oxy Contin. There was no controlling it. He dropped out of rehab when they told him that he needed to go to an inpatient program. Needless to say our wedding didn’t happen in November.
On December 27, 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with our oldest daughter Ivie. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Courtney was ecstatic. He stopped injecting Oxy Contin and started taking Methadone. We were married on Feb 8, 2003. All of the money that we got from our wedding Courtney used to buy pills. Fairly soon after the wedding he began injecting Oxy Contin again.
I remember one night, he came into our room terrified that he had taken to much. He pulled a syringe out from his pocket that contained salt water. He told me that if his heart stopped I needed to inject him with the salt water to start his heart again. TOTALLY NOT TRUE. Do not take my drug addict husbands advice if you are ever in that situation. I was only 20 years old when all of this was going on. Court was 24.
Our lives were in complete chaos. Here I am young, pregnant, and completely confused, lonely, lost, and guilty that I was not helping him. I was wrapped in my own addiction and didn’t even know it.

On May 7, 2003 I was particularly lost. I had a doctors appointment that day and Court couldn’t come in with me because he was too sick. That night I made him pray with me. It had been so long since I had talked to my Father in Heaven. Would he even listen? I had created so much chaos in my life, He had to hate me. But I still prayed. I made Courtney kneel down with me and prayed with all my heart that He could cure Court’s addiction. I told him how lost and lonely I was,  how I couldn’t bring a baby into this crazy life. I plead with him to help Courtney get off of pills. I know that God can work miracles according to our faith and I KNEW that he could heal Court. He did, just not in a way that I could comprehend. Isn’t it funny how that seems to work out?

“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend” (underline added)

Mosiah 4:9

The very next day Courtney was arrested. He was working at a call center,  the owners of the call center were involved in some major illegal activity and the DEA came and raided it. Courtney had a syringe and spoon on him. I was at work (still in the mall but in a jewelry store) when he called me from Purgatory. He told me what had happened and I IMMEDIATELY flew into full fledged Co-Dependent Chaos. I had to save him! I had to come up with $10,000 to bail him out….NOW!

I couldn’t figure out why this was happening….I had just prayed to Heavenly Father,  I had told him that I was overwhelmed to the brink of insanity. He knew my heart,  didn’t he know that I was expecting him to just take Courts addiction away? No consequences, no reproductions,  I had already suffered enough. Oh my naive mind! I couldn’t see then that this whole situation was guided by God himself. He did know my heart. He knew I needed a husband that was sober for himself, not for any other reason.

Courtney’s uncle was working for Washington County District Attorney Office at the time. We immediately called him to see what was going to happen from here. He told us that if we left him in jail that he would qualify for drug court and upon completion he would have his record wiped clean.

When I told Court the plan he lost it. He told me that he never should have married someone that wasn’t going to help him. He told me that he would never leave me in jail. He terrified me with the worry of something happening to him while he was in there. He told me he missed me and was ready to come home and be a good husband. He told me he would never use again. He told me that he would never talk to me again. He told me he would never call. He told me he was so sorry and he loved me. As you can see Addicts are manipulative,  he was telling me everything that I wanted to hear and everything I didn’t want to hear in order to get me to bail him out. I probably would have done it a million times over in my moments of weakness if I had $10,000. That is one of the only times in my life that I am glad I was broke.

The first time I went to the jail to visit him will forever be ingrained in my mind. They take you to this really long hallway that is sectioned off. There is a chair, a phone and a tiny TV in each section. I sat there nervous as can be while they took him to a room with a phone and TV in it too. He looked so different. He was gaining weight. His hair was long and he was growing a beard. He was not happy to see me. For the next 15 minutes he answered my questions with “yes” or “no”. When he finally did talk he told me how much he hated being in there and he couldn’t believe that I of all people would leave him there. Heartbreak. I loved him so much and now I was even more alone than I was when he was home,  His family was wonderful,  but mine was hours away and I was not very open with them about the situation. I felt all alone in this world,  with only our unborn Ivie to keep me company.

This was our life for the next 2 1/2 months. On Saturdays we could go and see him in person behind a huge plexi-glass wall. He was starting to smile again,  he was acting more and more like the person that I felt in my heart he could be. He was happier and he was sober.

At the time Drug Court was handled by a company called Southwest Center. It is the same place that he had gone to the Reach program at 8 months prior. The counselors are assigned to inmates to evaluate them and see if they are a good candidate for Drug Court. Courtney’s counselors were named Angie and Aaron. My Co-Dependent controlling self immediately contacted them and set up a meeting. They HAD to know our situation. He HAD to get into Drug Court. They told me that for severe cases there was a 90 day minimum inpatient program in Cedar City called The Horizon House that they would send people to before they were admitted into Drug Court. Angie assured me that Court would not have to go there. I believed her.

I also wanted to tell you how FREAKIN expensive it is to have someone call you from jail. $500.00 in phone bills every month. Highway robbery I tell you.

I digress.

Finally it was the morning of his court date (court was at 5:00 pm). Angie and Aaron told me earlier in the week that they were going to be recommending that Courtney was accepted into drug court and I was so glad that he was finally going to be coming home!!!

Aaron called me that afternoon. He told me that they had spoken to the counselors that dealt with Courtney at Reach,  these counselors had recommend The Horizon House to the judge and that’s what the judge had decided was the best thing.

He wasn’t going to come home today.

He wasn’t going to come home for at least 90 days.

I only had 4 weeks left in my pregnancy. He wasn’t going to be home in time to be there when Ivie was born.

The life drained out of me. I have never in my life wailed uncontrollably except for at this moment. I lost feeling in my legs and collapsed. I was completely inconsolable and void of any feeling at the same time. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he do it to our baby? WHY?

We went into the courthouse that evening and Court was smiling. He didn’t know that he wasn’t coming home. The second he saw my face he knew that our plans had changed.

“I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”
Ether 12:6
Court was taken to the Horizon House 2 days later. I had exactly 1 month until my due date of August 16th.
This is just my opinion with my experience. My frustration with this situation comes flooding back as I write this. I am sorry if I offend anyone. I am EXTREMELY grateful that things worked out the way that they did. 
Even when you are going through a hard time in your life just know that its PERFECT. Its perfect, because it is in a series of events that will take you where you eventually need to go. Its perfect, because You have a loving Heavenly Father that loves you enough to let you learn and grow. We are here to become the best Children Of God that we can be through trial and error and mistakes and heartbreak.  Its how we learn to trust Him, who knows all.
The staff at the Horizon House were cruel. They were scaring sobriety into the patients. Threatening to send them back to jail at every turn. They were recovering addicts themselves, which let me make this Crystal Clear, I have zero problems with. But the tactics they used were just as manipulative as an addict in the middle of his addiction.
The first time that Courtney’s Mom and I went to a Wednesday Night Family Group, I was SO EXCITED to see him and kiss him and hug him! It had been months since I held him and I just ached to touch him. I cant remember the exact circumstances regarding what the staff had told him was acceptable or not. I do remember that during our break we went outside and he was very withdrawn physically because he was worried that he would get in trouble. One of the in particular counselors was especially terrible.
That first night we were there they were showing a movie. We were sitting on the third row of chairs. We were not allowed to hold hands. Ivie started kicking really hard and I wanted Court to be able to feel it. Now, you have to remember that he had been gone the whole time that you were actually able to feel her move, he had never felt it before. I guided his hand to where she was kicking. He looked at me with astonishment and a huge smile on his face. This precious moment gave me hope. It was interrupted by theis counselor pausing the movie and yelling “Courtney, do you think that that’s more important than your sobriety?” I was so hurt and embarrassed. It was like we were children getting scolded by their teacher for cheating or something.
On Sundays we were allowed to go and see him for 2 hours. I loved these moments. I could just spent the entire time just staring at him in awe…and I did.
The morning of Sunday August 3, 2003 Court called me and asked how I was feeling. I hadn’t gotten out of bed yet and told him I was feeling pregnant. He told me that the house was on restriction and so we wouldn’t be able to come and see him that day. He told me that he loved me and he had to get off the phone but he would call me when they were off restriction.
When I got out of bed something “felt strange” Lol. I thought that maybe my water had broke. “NOOO this isn’t supposed to be happening for 2 more weeks! I am not ready to do this by myself” kept replaying in my head. I went into the hospital they nurses confirmed that it indeed had but it was higher on the placenta and was more of a slow leak (TMI?) I called the Horizon House to tell them that I was in labor. (We had been told that if Court was doing well in his groups then maybe he could come down.) The counselor gave me the number of a Tracker (a police-like officer that is in charge of drug court participants) and told me to call and see if I could convince one of them to come and pick him up and drive him 30 minutes to St. George. When I finally got through they told me that they would try but couldn’t guarantee anything and to keep them posted.
So there I sat,  in the hospital, by myself. I had no way of talking to Court because he was on restriction. I had no way of knowing if the tracker was going to bring him down. I had no way of knowing if the Horizon House had even told him that I was in labor or if they would  let him come. I called my mom in Salt Lake (about 4 hours away) and told her that I was in the hospital. She was torn, my sister was leaving for girls camp the next day and she didn’t want to leave her alone. Alone? You mean for the 12 hours until she leaves? I didn’t know how much more alone I could be. I prayed with all my heart that Court would be able to come down so that I wouldn’t be alone anymore.
For some reason I wasn’t dilating even after they had given me pitocin . At about 10 pm Dr. Lunt decided that it would be better to take me off the pitocin and let me sleep throughout the night and re-start it in the morning. What a blessing it was, that I wasn’t dilating. There was zero chance that Courtney could have been there that day.
My mom arrived that morning at about 2 am. My mother in law had been there with me all day,  its funny how even with people you love surrounding you, in an experience like this, you feel detached from them. They couldn’t take my husbands place.
The next morning they started my pitocin again and labor progressed pretty rapidly. I received a call from the Tracker and they told me that they were going to have Courtney down as soon as they could. He was coming!!! That was around 9:30 am. At 1:44 pm Ivie came out all on her own with only 3 pushes from me. I wasn’t ready yet. Court still wasn’t there.
He came in about 10 minutes later. I almost flew out of bed when I saw him (except I was completely numb from my epidural)  He was like a deer in the headlights. So much was going on around him. Poor guy.
We were taken into another room where he washed Ivie and we got to spend a little time alone. I missed him so bad. The Horizon House was hard, he was second guessing everything, answering questions the way he thought they wanted him too. He hated it.
2 hours after he arrived he had to leave.
He called me that night in tears. They had drug tested him when he got back and the test came back positive. He had not used,  I knew that for a fact. I racked my brain with how he could have tested positive. Had the medication that I took been transferred to him when I kissed him? He said that they were going to send the test out for further analysis.
I was furious and confused and stressed out. 5 hours after giving birth this crazy house of counselors with no degrees were accusing my husband of getting high while he was at the hospital. I felt like I was screaming my prayers into the ceiling and they were just coming right back down to me. I needed an answer. I need to knowHOW to make it so Courtney could come home to our new family. (There’s my Co-Dependency flaring again….)
“And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life though the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself”
2 Nephi 2:27
The labs came back from analysing the drug test. It was a false positive. He had not used. I couldn’t understand why on earth they wouldn’t have just given him a second drug test. The “help” that came from the Horizon house from that point on was terrible. Courtney wanted more than anything in the world to come home and be a husband and father. He did everything they told him to do. He was kicked out of the Horizon House a few weeks later for “noncompliance”. During that time I had moved back to Salt Lake to live with my wonderful parents to have help with Ivie.
Courtney was sent back to jail for 2 months where he was finally released on probation, November 12, 2003. He had been gone for more than 6 months. But he was home! And he was sober! We were ready to move on with our lives,  we had battled everything and everyone to stay together and now we finally were together and could face anything right? Right?
Court went to AA and NA meetings for the next 18 months as part of his probation. When it was complete his charges were expunged from his record.
I wish I could say that was our happily ever after moment, but it wasn’t. Courtney battled with depression and I battled with Co-Dependency. Slowly our lives were headed back into the realm of chaos.
I was recruited into Mary Kay in June of 2006. I need someone to tell me that I was wonderful. I threw my whole heart (and money) into this “business”  I was a superstar. My addiction went from my husband to Mary Kay. I won a car (not free) and awards (that I also pretty much bought). I didn’t know in my heart who I was. Mary Kay is filled with stories about repressed women who found God and became wonderful and influential. The problem is that the God that these women worship is Mary Kay
During this time my poor husband didn’t know how to deal with my complete personality change. I went from being his loving and devoted rock; to never being home,  never wanting to be around him and pushing him out of my new life. He began to use again.
When everything finally came out we swayed back and forth for months about separating. Its heart wrenching and anyone who has experienced it my heart goes out to you. Court started going to AA meetings again and I quit Mary Kay and got a real job….that actually brought in real money (novel idea right?)
We lived in this hell of uncertainty for a year and a half. Neither one wanting to contribute anything to our marriage because we didn’t know if it would survive. There was a trust breech by both parties and we didn’t know how to restore it.
Then another miracle happened. I became pregnant with Dylan. This was it, we had to choose. Make it work or don’t. Like Yoda says “Do, or do not, there is no try” We chose to make it work. We were both ready for a new life and started going to church for the first time in 6 years. We were working with our bishop and making preparations so that we could become ready to go to the Temple. He encouraged us to go the the LDS 12 Step meetings and we did for a while. They were great but Courtney wasn’t ready to be sober. His heart wasn’t pierced. We became lax in our hope for recovery.
In May of 2009 we put an offer on a house and moved out of our little apartment. Its so amazing to me looking back how easy it is to turn away from God when you feel like you are doing alright.
“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”
 Ezekiel 36:26
Over the next year Courtney continued to struggle with his addiction. I had reached the point in mine where I was so exhausted trying to save, control, punish, threaten, cry to, scream at, ignore, yell at, poke, prod, catch him in the act, rationalize, and enable him that I was completely shut down. He was using Lortab and Percocet in huge quantities. I hated being home. Anything he did set me off, and anything that I did set him off. It was volatile.
On July 15, 2010 my beautiful Grandmother passed away. I was in Salt Lake for practically the whole month prior to her death. It was my escape from this life that was swallowing me whole. She was in a medically induced coma for a week,  when she came out of it she looked me with love and understanding in her eyes and told me “Mandi, trust the Lord.” She cold not have spoken truer words. I was not trusting Him. I wasn’t even talking to Him.
Courtney came up for her funeral. There were hundreds and hundreds of people that came to her viewing. Her and my Grandpa have blessed so many peoples lives just by the way they live theirs. Their spirits radiate love and acceptance and hope. The love that my Grandparents had shown Courtney when very few had was realized at this moment. They were not judgmental towards him the way that he had been to others. He started to realize there were more important things in life than image and insecurities. His heart of stone was beginning to crack.
A few weeks later he heard Ivie pray. She asked Heavenly Father to make it so that our family wouldn’t be sick anymore. This beautiful daughter of God that he has shared with us had suffered so much. She knew that there was chaos in our home. She also knew that Heavenly Father could heal us. What a simple yet profound prayer.
Another crack.
Because of these and a few other circumstances Courtney and I decided to go to an LDS 12 Step meeting again. The Spirit was so strong. We knew that this was where we belonged. We knew that by learning of the Saviors Atonement we could be healed,  just like Ivie prayed for.
I learned about my Co-Dependency. I didn’t cause Court’s addiction, I cant control it and I cant change it. But I can still love him;  AFTER I love myself.
“… and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.”

 Alma 5:13

Its impossible for me to explain the change in my husband. Unless you know him personally you just can’t understand the night and day difference. In the beginning of my story I mentioned that when I saw Court for the first time there was something familiar about him. All through the years of addiction I would have these de ja vu-ish moments that reflected something wonderful when he was totally not. Now I know why. I believe that Court and I were together before this life,  the moments of recognization were real. Now that he is truly in recovery, he is the person I would get glimpses of,  the person that I fell in love with a long time ago. His spirit is no longer dimmed, it shines.
People ask me “Why is it different this time? How do you know that he will stay sober?” The answer is, that I don’t know that he will. I do know, that on his own he can’t;  but with Jesus Christ he can do anything. Courtney is no longer the guy I married,  he is kind and humble, he is happy and grateful,  he is funny and attentive, he is spiritual. He understands his worth as a child of God and that my friends, makes all the difference in the world.
 “I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.”
2 Nephi 4: 18-20
Are we perfect? Heck no. Do we still have moments where our old habits try and resurface? All the time. But the difference today is that we know in our hearts that Christ can redeem us from all of our weaknesses and sin that hold us back and keep us sick. I have learned that the Atonement is not something that we apply at the end of our lives, in hopes that we will be redeemed. It is meant to be applied minute by minute so that at the end of our lives we know that we did the very best that we could. Even on days when its just geting out of bed. Christ will indefinitely make up the rest for us, he already has. We just need to learn how to ask him.
I hope that by sharing our story you will find hope,  hope for the addicts in your life, hope for yourself,  hope for a stranger.
On the cover of the Guide To Addiction Recovery it says:
“Written with support from Church leaders and counseling professionals by those
who have suffered from addiction and who have experienced the miracle of recovery through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”
My husbands recovery (and mine for that matter) is one of the many miracles that we have been blessed with in our lives.
I learned that when I prayed all of those years ago for Heavenly Father to take Courtney’s addiction away why he didn’t. Not because he couldn’t, but because Courtney had to freely give it to him.
There is a comment made in almost every single meeting that we attend.
“EVERYONE should come to these!”
I agree,  many of us have the desire to bring Christ closer to us. We all need help from a Higher Power. This program teaches you step by step how to do that. I encourage every single one of you to attend at least one of these meetings whether you are LDS or not. (There have been many meetings that I have been to where not everyone is LDS.)  They are so indescribably beautiful. They are full of love and acceptance. You can feel the prayers offered on your behalf there. Regardless of your faith we are all children of God,  in these meetings where you are sharing your weaknesses you can feel Him. Hugging you, smiling at you and pulling you forward. They give you hope.
So my friends,  this is where our story ends today. With hope.
“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in.
The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out
of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.
The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment.
The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. . . .”
“May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed in Him, and born again”
(President Ezra Taft Benson Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 5–6; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 6–7).
“I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no
more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
(Alma 36:19–20).

UPDATE Nov. 30, 2011

It has been one year to the day since the original posting of My Real Life Story Part 1. When you are in the midst of addiction you feel like you are being buried alive. It wasn’t until a few months into his recovery that I came to the realization that I too was an addict. Although I was not addicted to a drug like Court was, behind every addict is usually a flaming co-dependent. I was addicted to my addict. I was addicted to controlling, punishing, guilt tripping, crying over, forcing and freaking out on his every move.
When I realized that I was going to smother his recovery I began to find recovery and peace and hope for myself. That is where our story left off.
So where are we a year later?
There have been so many miracles that we have received. The biggest being the chance that we had to be sealed in the St. George Temple in July. For those that are not of the LDS faith, you can read about what that means to us here.
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I ended Part 5 with this scripture:

“I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
(Alma 36:19–20).

When we finally found our way into the rooms of an LDS 12 Step Meeting this scripture was part of the step that they were reading that night. It zapped my heart. I knew how much pain I had been in. And it didn’t seem humanly possible to experience joy at that same magnitude. But I wanted that more than anything. So had faith, and it kept me going.
The beautiful sunny Saturday that my family was sealed for all eternity in the temple surrounded by people that we loved, was filled with so much joy. So much that it easily consumed the worst moment of my pain.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ has the power to take away ALL things that we are unable or unwilling to bear. I am left with a memory of those moments but I don’t feel pain when I think of them anymore. I am mostly just grateful.
I think sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the evils of the world,  Satan seems to have so much control over everything. Sometimes it can be easy to forget that our Savior has already conquered everything that Satan can throw our way. He is more powerful. Always.
There are so many things that I want to share will you,  I wish I could share the hundreds of emails that I have gotten from courageous readers that bring me to tears every.single.time. Addiction is something that effects so many peoples lives. If you have sent me a note or left a comment I want you to know how much it means to me.
I wish I could show you the healing that we have been blessed with. I want you to know that my marriage is FAR from perfect,  we still have lots and lots of problems just like everyone else.
When I am having a hard day this quote pulls me out of my sadness and renews my hope.

When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give. We can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or be wicked. Let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; therefore, let us continue with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not over-program us; He will not press upon us more than we can bear.”
–Neal A. Maxwell

I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to share a small part of our story with the world.
I have not yet known the anguish of having lost a spouse. Or the tragedy that natural disasters leave in their wake. I am blessed to have not yet had to deal with the questions and pain and what ifs of the death a child, or a life robbing illness.
But I have had to deal with the common denominator to all of these things.
I have been pulled down into the darkest place that can exist on this earth. The thick black that will suffocate any light.
The darkness of having no hope.
Christ has saved and healed our family.
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I often think about what it was like when Court was finally sober. In the very beginning we were so broken, starved for hope and had grown accustomed to the darkness. It was so easy to put aside our pride and realize how much in control of our lives the Lord truly was. I could feel his protection and his arms around me, healing me from within. Nursing our family back to health. Now we are healthy, we are grateful and we have many great adventures ahead of us. But I will never forget the feeling of complete surrender. I ache for that feeling at times.
See, the people that I spoke of just a bit ago that have had to go through things that I have not, are different from me. Their actual trials are not like mine. But all that is unique is the simple fact that we take different paths to end up in the same place; at the feet of our Savior.
Heavenly Father loves each of us enough to bless us with a way to understand the real reason that we are here, to bring us back to Him. I am grateful for addiction and tragedy. It, like a tornado, destroys our lives, and tears them completely apart. Painfully it reminds us daily of the utter mess that we have made in every single aspect of our existence. The unmanageable and complete chaos that consume everything, but because of that it also shows us that He is the ONLY ONE that can put them back together again. Stronger for next time because we have been reinforced with miracles and understanding from The One who loves us regardless of what we have done.
We all have to go through things that surely will bring us to our knees. But isn’t that the point?
I just want you to know that no matter how lost and hopeless we feel, no matter how it seems like NO ONE can understand the hurt that we live with, no matter what type of demons are knocking at our door; PLEASE understand that there is hope, always.
UPDATE Dec. 2012
If I has to sum this year up in one word it would be Miracles.
My testimony of my Savior has grown so much. It is hard to put into words the happiness and peace that I feel…but you know I am going to try!!
In January Court and I were called to be church service Missionaries in the Addiction Recovery Program. This basically means that we have 1-2 meetings a week that we are in charge of. We also go around on 5th Sundays and speak in wards about the ARP (if you are in St. George and want more info on that you can email me!)  I am so grateful for this calling, it has changed my life.
The amazing thing about the Atonement is that is has the power to take away all of our pain. Not just the pain of sin but the pain of other’s sins, the pain of things that are out of our control. I cant remember all of those awful things that I felt for so many years. I can remember a few details of the events but most are hazy and there is no pain attached to them. When I look at Court the things that I used to see when I looked at him are completely gone. That is such a miracle in and of itself. Being at our meetings and seeing people come in and go out I am reminded of how it felt to be where they are.

“This is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.
“And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is
my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard
my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me” (Alma 29:9–10).

2 years ago when we found ourselves in an LDS 12 step meeting the most important thing that we felt was love. The love of the missionaries and the love of our Savior. Its amazing being on the missionary side of the love. It is a miracle that we have been blessed with. I see those that come in with my physical eyes, they are broken and lost and hopeless, just as we were. But then I feel this overwhelming love for them and I just want to hug them and tell them that THEY CAN CHANGE.
And change they do. If you have ever wondered if people REALLY change like REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLYYY change? I testify to you that they do. I have seen it in my husband, I have seen it in myself, and I have seen it in countless others. The secret is that we dont experience a change of heart once, it is a daily choice to choose Him.
It is so easy to think that we/or someone we love are beyond gone. But you are not. They are not. I love this quote by Elder Holland:

“I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.”

My testimony today is one of miracles. Life is hard. Addiction is an all consuming darkness that changes people. But the good news is that Christ is an all consuming light that changes them MORE.
There is so much darkness in this world. There is tragedy after tragedy worldwide, nationwide and in our own homes. I find peace knowing the reason that this life is hard. In The Book of Ether the story of Jared and his family is shared. For those unfamiliar with this story I will give you the readers digest version. Jared and his family lived at the time of Babel, when the languages were confounded by God. Because of the faith of the brother of Jared they and their families were spared. They were told that they were to be taken to a promised land and were instructed by God on how to build a barge. This was more like a modern day submarine than a boat but there was no way to steer it. They travelled in these ships 100% dependant on the Lord to take them to their final destination.

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.
8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.

When we are in the midst of the furious winds it can be terrifying and frustrating,  but where would we be if we gently bobbed along? No where near our destination or our true potential. The Lord knows that without the winds we cannot become who we are supposed to be. So he lets the winds blow BUT just like in verse 8 says,  If we have faith enough to get in the boat, the winds will never cease to blow us to the promised land.

if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give theeexperience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)

Court’s addiction is one of the biggest blessing of my life. I am grateful every single day that I hung in there because people can change, the key is they have to want to. With that ok from them, the Savior will step in and make  impossible things possible. He will change our very nature.

Christ says “Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.” –C.S. Lewis

For those who are unable to attend a LDS 12 Step meeting (or you are curious what happens there) you can find some incredible podcasts here.
If you are interested in learning more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints you can find tons of information on mormon.org and I would be SO happy to send you a Book of Mormon!
2018 Update

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way. I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at [email protected]!